I will see you again, but not yet
by JemmaLikesStuff
Summary: A one shot about Arthur opening up to Sadie about loss of the Waitress and the son they had together. They discuss what their purpose is now that they don't have much going for them and the possibility of seeing their loved ones again in the afterlife.


_**A/N - This is a one shot from Arthur's prospective. He is telling Sadie about his family who died. They briefly discuss the meaning of life after loss. Neither of them necessarily choose the life of crime and **__**I feel this makes them even more alike/closer friends.**__** Arthur was basically raised for it and Sadie really just started off wanting revenge for her husband's death but it's too late now and they are both very good at what they do, no matter how bad it may be at times. I like their Dynamic. In this story they are just friends. I like their friendship. Arthur does have a soft spot for her. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. Please review.**_

_**P.S In a roundabout way, I was inspired by the film Gladiator (Hence the cover photo). I like the image of Arthur returning to Eliza and Issac after dying under the sunset. **_

_**Until next time, cheers!**_

* * *

Somewhere near Rhodes...

Here I am, a goddamn grown man, lying on the grass, damp with morning dew. I can see the sun still shining when I close my eyes, I suppose it is a great day to be alive.

After a few minutes my thoughts wander and I can see her perfectly in my mind. Eliza. Dark hair, black like ink, slender figure, sun kissed skin, beautiful. I dream about them often, her and the boy.

Issac, oh what a fine man he would have turned into, if this damned world would've let him. She was raising him right. She was raising him to be a better man than me. She would never say that to my face as she was far too kind but I know it to be true. They deserved so much better than this retched world gave them, so much more than I gave them. I try not to think about them too often cause it hurts too damn much. I wonder what Eliza would say to me know if she could say anything at all. I think that's what haunts me the most... at how disappointed she would be in the man I turnt out to be.

Tears threat to appear under my tightly shut lids. I don't dare to open them in fear of letting out the lonely water.

Cowboys don't cry.

I can't quite say if it was the demise of Eliza and boy that made me lose hope in this world or whether I just never had any hope in the first place. Either way their deaths changed something inside me, that I know for sure. I weren't the same again, whatever that means.

I hear a horse approach quietly towards my lounging position.

"Arthur" I can tell Sadie's gravel-like tones without question, I don't even bother opening my eyes.

I put on a fake smile to hide my pain and lift my hat upwards to greet her. She grunts in response and places a cigarette in my hand, prompting me to risk showing the redness in my gaze by sitting up and opening my weary yaks.

I say thank you for the nicotine and she nods back, studying me skeptically.

She gives me a serious look and sighs "What's the matter Mr Morgan?"

I hesitate, cautious of telling her the truth. I will admit that I am not fully surprised that my absence from camp has prompted her to find me. We have become quite close recently. As much as I wanted time on my own, I have missed her the past few days. There is a silence as I think over my response and more importantly I will say that she doesn't push further while we sit in silence. I Like that.

I sit up, adjusting my hat so it still covers my blotchy red profile, i spit "I had... I had a son once." It is like I couldn't hold this fact from her in any longer.

Clearly she isn't prepared for such a statement. I suppose I haven't given her reason to feel sympathy for me before. She takes a lengthy draw and queries in a cloud of smoke "Had?" I sense a frog in her throat, she is a kind woman under her hard bounty hunting exterior.

I continue "He and his mother were killed when he was about ten."

I glance over to my friend to see her make a O shape with her feminine lips.

She offers "Would you like to talk bout' it?"

But me being a fool, I bite back "This ain't no therapy session Sadie!"

She shrugs painfully. Usually she would shout back at me for snapping at her like that or even clout my dumb ass, but she clearly feels bad for my sorry state... _great._

"I'm sorry Arthur I didn't mean to pry. You don't talk to me about your past much, maybe it would make you feel better... if you get it off your chest ya know."

I know she doesn't expect me to open up. Usually her offering to lend a ear or even just her being there is enough to brighten my mood, we make a joke and carry on with our business but today i actually feel like talkin' for some reason. It is only Sadie after all. I trust her with my life so why not this?

I speak unable to hide the vulnerability in my voice "I was happy when I was with em'. In fact I think it's the happiest i have ever been but I suppose that ain't hard when your a sorry state of a man like me... I didn't dare make her any promises I couldn't keep. I respected her far too much for that. The damn woman was too clever to believe any bullshit anyway, she knew who I was, what I done but she agreed to let me visit and see the boy none the less. I should have left the gang and stayed with them, married her, maybe they would still be alive if I hadn't been so selfish."

We bum out our cigarettes and she tosses me a hip flask. I pick it up and she looks at me expectantly waiting for me to carry on. With a long gulp of moonshine I decide to let it all out. That's what 'friends' are for right?

"Eliza was a waitress, only nineteen when we met, she lit up any room she walked into. Her smile could wash away a thousand doubts and warm the coldest of hearts. We had a fling fueled by a younger mans passion and the next time I passed through she was expecting. I tried to do right by her but she was set on doin' it on her own, she understood I wasn't the father type, or the type who suck around one place... usually anyway. She was makin' the boy a real man. She was somethin' else so she was. I stayed with them every so often, spent time with the boy, gave her what money i could. She was more than grateful and with each visit I stayed a bit longer and we became more of a family."

"Did she ever resent you for not sticking around?" I cough with a slight chuckle, I guess I probably should expect it from her now, Sadie ain't one for beating around the bush that's for sure.

I tell her "It weren't particularly bad but I think in the beginning she wished it were a man who could have settled down that had gotten her pregnant and I didn't blame her. Our relationship wasn't perfect but damn, I feel like a fool for letting her go without a ring on her finger. I could have tried harder to change, she eventually said she would have me anyway despite the life I lived. I wanted to take her up on it, I really did Sadie but I didn't want to ruin their lives by dragging them down with me or make this their future... HA, this would have maybe been a better future for them than what they got, that's for sure, but how was I to know? ... I didn't want Dutch to ruin for them or drag em down with the gang. I sure was sweet on her. We weren't the loves of each others lives like in the fairy tales she read to the boy but we grew to love one another's company and took pleasure in the few tender moments she allowed us to have. I mean it's hard not to have feelings for the mother of your child, we were linked by a beautiful baby boy and by god was she a looker, which i guess, always helps. I was lucky she even turned my way, yet she seemed content ya know. She liked holding my hand in the street as we passed by many suitors. I would joke about me turning up one day to her being married to a man who wore waistcoats and weren't so long in the tooth, she would just laugh and kiss me on the forehead. She's long gone now though."

Sadie looks at the ground "Sorry Arthur I never knew."

I look over to her and smile "I never told you."

She decides to ask with disapproving undertones "Did she just sit around waiting for you to come back each time?"

"Hell no. I suppose she just didn't need a man around all the time. She took the boy to work with her even although I gave her enough money to stay at home. She taught him to read pretty good too. She done plenty of her own stuff, I was lucky she was so independent... well not that it done her any favors in the end." I laugh adding " And if it were longer than a month since I last visited them, she would shout something terrible, she had a fiery temper. I would sleep on the porch until she cooled down and welcomed me back inside."

"She sounds like a great gal." Sadie says weakly, clearly surprised at my opening up to her.

She shuffles closer and my body goes ridged. This makes her smirk and pat me hard on the back "I ain't over here for a hug Arthur, you have the drink."

I let out a low hee-haw, grateful for Mrs Adler's comfort and humor. I hand her the flask.

I feel like a goddamn woman but now that I have began to speak about em', I don't want to stop. "I don't talk bout em' much."

She smiles "What was the boy like?"

I beam unable to hide my pride in the boy I wish I still knew "Issac." I grin and carry on "He was quiet but what he lacked in confidence, he made up for in smarts. Thank god he had his mother's looks and brains actually ... but he did have my eyes. He liked horses, he studied them like it were his job. I gave him one of my horses and he worshiped her."

* * *

I continue to explain about my visits to their house and spilled a few amusing stories of our imperfect little family. Once we neared the bottom of the moonshine I explained how they died. Killed for a goddamn measly Ten Dollars. This took Sadie a while to get her head round. I swear she got angry just thinking about it.

"So you turned up and there was two gravestones out the front of the house? Jesus Christ Arthur. What kind of bastards would do that?"

My throat catches so i just nod. She places her hand on mine and I explain the fate of the men responsible "I got em' Sadie. I didn't sleep till I had killed them who done it. It didn't bring them back to me though did it? It just pushed me further down this road, then I became Dutch and Hosea's go to man."

She squeezes my hand tightly and I nudge her "You remind me of her ya know, her hair was dark but she was a natural beauty like you. I think you both would have gotten on well together. Stubborn ladies who drive me crazy. " Sadie's cheeks go a darker shade of pink making me regret the comparison slightly.

She shouts in jest "Who you calling stubborn?" We both laugh.

When silence falls over us again. She casually places her head against my shoulder "Does it get easier, missing them?"

Suddenly I'm aware that speaking of my dead family has made her mind shift to her late Husband, Jake, who was killed by the O'Driscoll boys.

I sigh, hoping for her to have a pain-free life. I clear my throat and light her another cigarette "I can't say what it will be like for you Sadie. What I do know is that it don't usually hurt so much when I think bout' them anymore. They have crossed my mind more than I like to admit. I still remember walking towards that house and naively expecting them to come running out to me through the corn fields, like they so often had done before. I remember it like it was yesterday. I can smell the fields and recreate the vile feeling in my gut, along with the pain in my heart. Although that being said, I feel numb to it most of the time now. Certain things make me miss them and sometimes I get grumpy about it. I won't ever feel loss like that again, I will make sure of it."

She stays silent, subconsciously my mood changes towards her as I demand she don't turn into me " Sadie, promise me you won't let it eat you up inside like I have. Don't dwell on the past and what 'could' have been. That's why am here, an older age and still foolish enough to be running around after Dutch and the gang. Promise me, you'll try to go back to a life like the one you had with Jake. Don't let the numbness take over, alright? Jake wouldn't want you to be so mad and lonely." Unaware of my movements, somewhere in my plea I turned to her to cup her face with my weathered hands.

She tenderly places her soft palms on top of mine but then screeches back "Why should I? Those are the kinds of people who get fucked over Arthur. Surely you understand that with Eliza and Isaac and my Jakey being killed. The innocent die and we are whats left." She gestures to the space in between us, hands trembling.

I shake my head, unable to argue with her. I want to argue with her, I want to tell her that I know for sure she'll be alright. I really do but I fear that more now than ever , she is right. What is the point in trying to be good when all it gets you is pain?

She continues speaking as she passes me the cigarette back "It pains me to say it but Jake is probably up there right now, looking down, judging who I have become. We both know I ain't the woman who lived on them mountains anymore Arthur. The best we can hope for is to die protecting those who can't protect themselves and maybe the people we loved in our past lives will be waiting for us when we go."

What a thought. Seeing them again. Eliza and Isaac. The thought of them waiting for me after death makes me feel instantly better. If that's where this path leads, maybe it will all be worth it in the end after all. If so, I suspect I will join them sooner rather than later. Though, unable to hold in a laugh at my next thought, I tell Sadie "If I am fortunate enough to see her and the boy again when I die, Eliza will kick my ass."

Sadie giggles and then abruptly stops, going serious "Jakey was a good man, I don't know if he will welcome me after death, if he knows what a monster I have become."

Arthur nudges me "Sadie Adler you ain't no monster. Nobody stays the same forever. Things change people. All you have done is avenge his death... Everything else you have done... you have done to survive in in this unforgiving world, without him. I think if your husband was as sweet on you as he sounds, he will be happy to see you again no matter what." I pause, then add "but not until many years have passed and your old and have lived your life, annoying me every opportunity you get." She smiles weakly at me and my heart sinks. Fuck those O'Driscoll boys for ruining her life with Jake on the Ranch. Fuck them for turning her into a killer like me.

I fall backwards, my back bouncing slightly against the soft grass, now in my earlier position. Sadie copies me and lies back as well.

She gasps with joy "Oh what a thought, seeing him again."

"I would give almost anything to see them again. I can see her when I close my eyes, her skin like smooth honey. I dream of touching it again, to run a hand over her arm, to run my fingers through her hair. If there had been good weather whilst I was gone, I would return to her arms when they were more of a chocolate colour, I could melt at the sight of her. The boy had a complexion closer to mine but his skin was soft, untouched by work or age."

Somewhere in the clumps of glass where we lay, our hands find one another. Our fingers intertwine as if our lives depend on it.

Sadie lets out a breath that I didn't know she was holding in. "Who knew you were so good with words Arthur Morgan?"

I turn my head to watch her facial expressions, admiring her form, she is beautiful.

She turns her head to face me and speaks quietly "Do you think there is reason behind any of this Arthur?"

I sigh, glad I have told her about the waitress and the boy, it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am thankful for Sadie's friendship and unfortunately that's all I know for sure.

"Sadie I won't pretend like I know the answer. We have had our moments in the sun with people we loved. Now I see it like, we are here to make sure folk like John and Abigail get their chance at happiness, no matter how brief. Ain't it better to have loved and lost and to never have had it at all? I ain't saying our folks should have got what came to them because we know they didn't deserve it but you know... maybe there's reason to certain parts of this shit show after all? "

Sadie smiles "Who are you and what have you done to my buddy Arthur Morgan?" I push her gently, unable to hide the blush in my face.

She nods, clearly giving my words some thought, I see her face change and a grin curls upwards " So what your saying is that maybe us two lonely souls were meant to find one another so we could get day drunk and lie in the grass like children to make our journey to our dead loved ones just ever so slightly less bleak?"

I chuckle "I dunno about this being apart of your path, lying in the dirt with a old man like me but I am mighty glad it's what you're doing none the less."

She smiles back at me " You ain't that old." I nod and we turn our faces back to the bird filled, blue skies. She adds "Thank you Arthur."

I joke "Excuse me Mrs Adler but this started off as my therapy session remember. So i'll be thanking you" She lets out a giggle and a snort. I like her laugh.

I lean over on my side and wrap my arms around her and gave her a quick squeeze, careful not to over stay my welcome in her space.

Then I haphazardly climb to my feet and pull her up on to hers "Come on Sadie, lets go hunting before someone sees us and thinks we have gone soft."

She complies and jumps up. We ride away from our spot, leaving our past behind us... for a few hours at least.


End file.
